If I knew all the words

I announced on facebook a few weeks back that I had made a big decision in my life.  Now that I’m diving headfirst into this process I think it is time I fill everyone in on my big news.

I have decided to enroll in a clinical trial for my psoriatic arthritis. I’ve come down to only having two options left before all I can do is sit around and wait for a treatment to come along. I want to try something though I won’t give up on my health or my future.

The trial is for a new therapy, it is a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled study. Which means there is a chance I end up with the placebo. To become eligible for the trial I have to ween off of a number of the drugs i’m currently on and go 4 weeks without any arthritis medication.

Let’s just say it’s going to be a long and painful next few weeks. I’m preparing myself for the worst and unfortunately already see the worst happening to my body. I can’t stop it, I have to let it happen.

I’m going to need strength and courage to get through these next 6-8 months. As this will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve been through a lot and I feel like I know what I can think to expect during this journey, but you never really know until its happening.

I’m going to try to keep everyone informed on how I’m doing and what is going on here as I begin this process.

Feel free to ask questions along the way.

love can be so many different things. But at it’s core, when everything else is stripped away, love is the most complicated and beautiful thing there is.

It drive us to do ridiculous things. It forces our hand in making decisions we never knew possible. It inspires us. It scares us. It confuses us. It ignites us.

Love doesn’t always make sense. Love’s timing isn’t going to be perfect. There might be what seems like impossible time or space between you and what you love.

But when you discover it, you must be willing to drop everything and do anything to pursue it. To embrace it. To be overwhelmed by it.

Have you seen this song that’s been floating around from Goyte, “Somebody that I used to know” ? It’s pretty amazing. Check it out… and keep watching….

But the best part is, everyone keeps covering the song, and each version is just as good as the last.
The first version I heard was from Walk Off The Earth

Then I heard Pentatonix from the show The Sing off Cover it, and that is a pretty amazing experience because the entire song is all vocals there are no instruments.

and then… Ingrid Michaelson had to go and do it! Amaze balls

Pretty amazing you can have 4 completely different versions of the same song and they are all so amazing yet so different. They just keep getting better!

If I could say anything what would it be?
I would tell you that I love you, but by now I hope that you already know.

if you could go anywhere, anywhere what would you see?
take a step in any direction, it’s make believe
if your mind is always moving its hard to get your heart up off the ground

we won’t break if we let go
you and i already know
we were bound to be set free
even surely, here we are now
you can say anything

Tristan Prettyman. <3

What do you regret?

Really. Take a minute and think about it. If there was one thing, five things, ten things you could take back, what would it be?

Wish you would have spent more time with someone? Wish you would have gone back to school?

Maybe you wouldn’t have drank so much? Let loose more in college?

Spending more time with your friends?

Told someone you loved them?

Maybe you should have listened more? Applied for your dream job?

Traveled more?

Volunteered more? Ate better? Worked out more? Saved more money?

Re-connecting with someone from your past?

Asked someone to marry you?

Told someone your sorry?

Think about it, if I came up to you in the street today and asked you, “What in your lifetime do you regret?”

how would you answer?

But then again, do you really regret anything? Because at one moment it may have been exactly what you wanted?

But things change.

What do you regret?

I have arthritis. This is no secret to anyone. I walk with a limp, I can barley hold my tooth brush and most days it takes me 15 minutes before I can physically get out of bed.

I work with arthritis advocates. People who have experienced everyday victories with their disease. A day when I’m not thinking about my pain is a victory for me.  I spend more time on the phone or going to doctors appointments than I really care for.

I tell myself to be strong, but some days I can’t tell if my arthritis is killing me or making me stronger. I hope it’s making me stronger. I hope this disease is strengthening my mind, my body and my fight. It has to be making me stronger.

Why else do we face adversity in our lives? I have to believe it’s making me stronger, otherwise what else do I have to hold on to…

We make choices ever day in our lives. Some days you make more than others. Some days they are big decisions, other days they are small. But every decision brings you to the exact point you are in your life. Looking forward decide what you want from this life.

To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid.

To me, fearless is having fears.

Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them.

To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.

Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before.

Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost.

It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change.

Fearless is having courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them.

And when someone apologized to you enough times for things they will never stop doing, I think it’s fearless to stop believing them.

It’s fearless to say, “You’re NOT sorry”, and walk away.

I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless.

Letting go is fearless.

Then, moving on and being alright… That’s fearless too.

But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it.

You have to believe in love stories and prince charming and happily ever after.

Because Love is fearless.

I grew up in Lake Oswego, Oregon. When I was younger my parents sent me to summer camp. It was only a week long, but it was my favorite week of the year. YMCA Camp Silver Creek in Silverton, Oregon is one of the most magical places on earth.

Recently a friend told me, “Man, I’m not religious, but my heaven would be something pretty similar to Silver Creek.” I couldn’t agree more. It’s hard to talk to others about camp. It’s a shared experience with a certain group of people, whether we were there at the same, or not. We still have this bond that will never break.

I met some of the most influential people at camp. They helped shape my life as a young adult. I believe working at summer camp helped bring me out of my shell, it gave me confidence and the outlet to be silly.

I made at least one connection that has stuck with me for 12 years now. We’ve been through a lot together and both been there for one another through numerous events and changes in our lives and here we are 12 years later, living in the same city for the first time ever.

Through friends, relationships, Military school, family legal issues, joining the military, being diagnosed with arthritis, multiple tours in Iraq, being hospitalized for a fatal blood clot we’ve been through a lot together. 12 years later Nate and I find ourselves living 5 minutes from one another for the first time in our lives. This kid holds a pretty big place in my heart. No matter how far we are, we always seem to keep in touch. It may be a few months before we check in, but we always do.

Nate doesn’t know this, but he’s gotten me through a lot of things in my life. He’s had a pretty big impact on me.

To you Nathan Paul Smith- Thank you for always being there for me, and most of all supporting me. I can’t believe it’s been 12 years. But I’m so thankful to still have you in my life. Thank you for being an amazing friend.

Will you ever really know how brave you truly are?

This question is glaring at from inside the book, “ever wonder”. And it’s a valid question. I believe we go through our lives thinking we’ll brave when the time comes, but how often in our lives are we in a situation that causes us to dig deep for that kind of brave that strengthens your soul and allows you to look fear in the eye.

I hope I have the strength one day to see how truly brave I am.