If I knew all the words

What do you regret?

Really. Take a minute and think about it. If there was one thing, five things, ten things you could take back, what would it be?

Wish you would have spent more time with someone? Wish you would have gone back to school?

Maybe you wouldn’t have drank so much? Let loose more in college?

Spending more time with your friends?

Told someone you loved them?

Maybe you should have listened more? Applied for your dream job?

Traveled more?

Volunteered more? Ate better? Worked out more? Saved more money?

Re-connecting with someone from your past?

Asked someone to marry you?

Told someone your sorry?

Think about it, if I came up to you in the street today and asked you, “What in your lifetime do you regret?”

how would you answer?

But then again, do you really regret anything? Because at one moment it may have been exactly what you wanted?

But things change.

What do you regret?

I have arthritis. This is no secret to anyone. I walk with a limp, I can barley hold my tooth brush and most days it takes me 15 minutes before I can physically get out of bed.

I work with arthritis advocates. People who have experienced everyday victories with their disease. A day when I’m not thinking about my pain is a victory for me.  I spend more time on the phone or going to doctors appointments than I really care for.

I tell myself to be strong, but some days I can’t tell if my arthritis is killing me or making me stronger. I hope it’s making me stronger. I hope this disease is strengthening my mind, my body and my fight. It has to be making me stronger.

Why else do we face adversity in our lives? I have to believe it’s making me stronger, otherwise what else do I have to hold on to…

We make choices ever day in our lives. Some days you make more than others. Some days they are big decisions, other days they are small. But every decision brings you to the exact point you are in your life. Looking forward decide what you want from this life.

To me, fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid.

To me, fearless is having fears.

Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them.

To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.

Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before.

Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost.

It’s fearless to have faith that someday things will change.

Fearless is having courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them.

And when someone apologized to you enough times for things they will never stop doing, I think it’s fearless to stop believing them.

It’s fearless to say, “You’re NOT sorry”, and walk away.

I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless.

Letting go is fearless.

Then, moving on and being alright… That’s fearless too.

But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it.

You have to believe in love stories and prince charming and happily ever after.

Because Love is fearless.

I grew up in Lake Oswego, Oregon. When I was younger my parents sent me to summer camp. It was only a week long, but it was my favorite week of the year. YMCA Camp Silver Creek in Silverton, Oregon is one of the most magical places on earth.

Recently a friend told me, “Man, I’m not religious, but my heaven would be something pretty similar to Silver Creek.” I couldn’t agree more. It’s hard to talk to others about camp. It’s a shared experience with a certain group of people, whether we were there at the same, or not. We still have this bond that will never break.

I met some of the most influential people at camp. They helped shape my life as a young adult. I believe working at summer camp helped bring me out of my shell, it gave me confidence and the outlet to be silly.

I made at least one connection that has stuck with me for 12 years now. We’ve been through a lot together and both been there for one another through numerous events and changes in our lives and here we are 12 years later, living in the same city for the first time ever.

Through friends relationships, Military school, family legal issues, joining the military, being diagnosed with arthritis, multiple tours in Iraq, being hospitalized for a fatal blood clot we’ve been through a lot together. 12 years later Nate and I find ourselves living 5 minutes from one another for the first time in our lives. This kid holds a pretty big place in my heart. No matter how far we are, we always seem to keep in touch . It may be a few months before we check in, but we always do.

Nate doesn’t know this, but he’s gotten me through a lot of things in my life. He’s had a pretty big impact on me.

Me and Nate summer of 2001                                                 Nate and I 2011 Ten years later

To you Nathan Paul Smith- Thank you for always being there for me, and most of all supporting me. I can’t believe it’s been 12 years. But I’m so thankful to still have you in my life. Thank you for being an amazing friend.

Will you ever really know how brave you truly are?

This question is glaring at from inside the book, “ever wonder”. And it’s a valid question. I believe we go through our lives thinking we’ll brave when the time comes, but how often in our lives are we in a situation that causes us to dig deep for that kind of brave that strengthens your soul and allows you to look fear in the eye.

I hope I have the strength one day to see how truly brave I am.

Don’t lose who you are, in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay…
Sometimes it’s hard, to follow your heart.
But tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!

Popbooth, the new mobile app that allows you to change the color, print and post your photobooth pictures.

If only it had a delete button, or a swap button to pull photos from different strips to make the ultimate photo strip

So far, I’m diggin’ this new app.

“on one hand expectations can inspire you, but then again, they can really let you down.”

I am healthy.
I am happiness.
I am alive.
I am.

Anything after I am will only give you power if you believe it. For example, fulfillment doesn’t exist outside the body. You are who decides if you are fulfilled or not.

For years I’ve said I am sad. I am in pain. I am incomplete. And while none of those things are true unless I believe them to be, my resistance only brought more pain and lethargy.

I feel like a different person for the first time in years.

I’m not afraid to let go and live a little. I still have a long way in my journey to become healthy, but I’m feeling great so far.