why I chose to forgive.

I want to go to bed at night and not replay what happened like a movie. I want to wake up and not feel like I wasn't good enough. I don't want the reason I don't get out of bed to be because I feel like I lost a part of me. I want to not overthink everything. I don't want that heavy feeling in my chest any more.

When I think of you, I want to think of how you'd write the name of songs you thought I'd like on a wrapper or receipt and keep them in your wallet. I want to remember what you looked like at 5 am when the sun was peeking through the window, I'd wake up early and lay there thinking how I couldn't believe you were laying next to me. I want to remember that ridiculously long drive to St. Helen's to see John Mayer. You played me music the whole drive there. We caught up on the years we lost touch in college. Then we stood in the parking lot for hours after the show, dancing in headlights waiting for traffic to clear. I want to remember that day trip we took up to deception pass, we got so lost, but it was the best adventure.

You told me you didn't want to talk about the past, that you only wanted to look toward the future. I wasn't okay with that at first. But the more I thought about it, what good is rehashing what happened. It's only going to rip my heart open again.

I don't want to go through life with grudges. I deserve the kind of breathlessness that comes from a first kiss or facing a fear, not the kind where I get left behind. I don’t want to keep waiting—waiting for my phone to beep and hope to see your name on it; waiting for you to call and take back all the words you didn't say when we parted. I deserve to walk my path without looking back to see if you are following me in every step.

I forgive you for hurting me because I have learned that the pain we inflict on people can always be either intentional or unintentional. I believe it is the latter. I still believe more in the goodness in you. I still believe that the moments we shared were true. I’m pretty sure that I’ve hurt you too in more ways than I realized and I’m sorry. That’s why I chose to forgive you.

I forgive you. I hope you have forgiven yourself, too.